*
* * B.A.R.S. Warning * * *
....
The World
Health Organization has just issued an urgent warning
about 'B.A.R.S.'
(Beer & Alcohol
Requirement Syndrome),
a newly identified problem, which has spread rapidly throughout the
world.
...
Believed
to have
started in Central Europe in 1500 BC, the disease seems to
affect
people who
congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate.
It is
not known
how the disease is transmitted but approximately three
billion
people worldwide
are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
...
Early
symptoms of
the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00 pm to
consume
a beer or
alcoholic beverage.
This
urge is most
keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the
disease
include
talking loudly, singing off key, aggression,
heightened
sexual
attraction/confidence
(even towards uglies), uncalled for laughter,
uncontrollable
dancing
and unprovoked arguing.
...
In the
final stages
of the disease, victims are often cross eyed, and speak
incoherently.
Vomiting,
loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing
and loss
of virginity
can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the
victim
shouting, "Hey - bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it
goes??"
...
If you
develop any
of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
yourself
in a pub
with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed.
...
Sadly,
it is reported
that the disease can reappear at very short notice or
at the
latest, on
the following Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising,
broken
limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.
...
|
Recently,
the staff of Rotten Row has become aware of certain individuals
demonstrating
the above noted symptoms!
In the
interests
of public safety, we have decided to share with you some disturbing
photos
of those afflicted, clearly in the advanced stages of the disease.
....
Case
#1
Here
we have
healthy,
happy (pffft) Dan
(A.K.A. Doc, Chunky)
- before he was aware of both the B.A.R.S.
syndrome,
as well as the many ways it is transmitted.
One
can
clearly
see the 'slant' on his drink. It was only a matter of time until
this
tainted
beverage
would overtake him . . .
....
....
Sadly,
poor,
inebriated Dan's infection has left him unable to
open his mouth,
so
he has been
forced
to smoke his cigarettes through his ear. . . . . .
....
........
Case
#2
This
case
study
demonstrates a classic example of aggression,
as
a result of
the
B.A.R.S. effect.
Innocent
Sharon
has fallen victim to the bullying tactics exhibited by Debbie..
. . .
....
....
Case
#3
Your
Commodore
has also become one of the multitude of unfortunate souls who has had
to
learn to live with a loved one who has fallen prey to the syndrome.
Clearly,
Anchor
Girl has become delirious as she woefully and inaccurately
under
illustrates
the size of a certain 'item'. . . . . . .
We
will do our best to keep you updated on any new outbreaks of B.A.R.S.,
as they are reported to us.
Be
sure to check back here regularly to keep abreast of developments.
Or,
read the Orillia police registry.
...
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